i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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