I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
do herpes really smell.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
