Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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