is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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