i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
