At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
