the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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