96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
