i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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