We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
