Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
