mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
