ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
