just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
