Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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