I hope mine doesn't look like that
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
