I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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