im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
