oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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