Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
someone owes me an orgasm
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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