I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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