i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
