I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
