Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
