Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
