I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The Olympian is in my bed
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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