i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
