I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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