Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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