your thong is hanging out like whoa
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.