if i can run in heels then i can drive
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He kissed a someone with a penis
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My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
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the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?