If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though