WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
