Did I show you my penis last night?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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