I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
