I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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