she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
