Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
