i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm like, not good at living.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
