you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
