I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
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We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
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You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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