I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
