Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You smell like stripper and shame
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
