his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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