I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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