i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
