My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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