you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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