I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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