So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize