Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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