ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
