Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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