hotel room ftw
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
