I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
