My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
