so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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