He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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