ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
